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Wednesday 20 July 2011

In pursuit of happiness...

Oh how I wish I had the skills to really convey my dreams, so that others could come close to understanding how I experience them. 

Sometimes, the dream almost has a texture to it. Sometimes I feel so immersed and involved in it and other times I'm a confused, bewildered observer, being dragged along with events totally out of my control. 

Last night I was very much immersed in it. It felt just as real as now. 

I was walking through a city. It was a bright, gleaming city. It was busy, bustling and I had a sense that everyone in it was happy, wealthy and comfortable in life. 

As I walked through the city with a group of people, it got gradually less bright, less busy and eventually started to get rather run down. 

I found myself apologising to the group which was getting smaller in number as we went along, for what had become a filthy, seedy, quite scary part of town. I remember there was an arcade full of people sleeping rough and taking drugs. Also a row of boarded up shops with very dodgy looking people hanging around and staring at us.  One of them had three vicious looking dogs straining on a lead, growling and snarling in our direction.  There was litter everywhere. 

I looked back, but the nicer part of town could only be seen through a sort of haze...much like the effect of heat coming off a road on a very hot day. 

Everything looked distant and slightly unreal and I just knew I couldn't go back. 

My mother suddenly appeared telling me I must go to my uncle's house. She showed me a map with a line drawn between where we were and his house. I could tell that it was about 7 miles and that it involved going over Caerphilly mountain. 

She wouldn't let me have the map though and said I had to find my own way. I asked for the postcode for satnav and she said CV37 1LP

I told her I knew that wasn't right but she insisted it was. I asked for the number of the house but she would only give me the clue....'think of water'.

I had the feeling she didn't want me to find it and was being deliberately obstructive!

I remembered I had my uncle's address in my contacts anyway so just thanked her and set off. 

I know some other people were still with me....maybe 2 or 3, but I don't know who.  We all set off driving over Caerphilly mountain. It was far more barren and isolated than in real life. There was a low lying mist and sounds from odd animals. It was also getting dark and the whole thing felt eerie but exciting. 

I remember thinking that I felt especially clean!(!?)!

We eventually got there and parked on my uncle's street. It was a steep street full of smart terraced houses with brightly coloured front doors. We started to look for number 45 (not the number he lives at in real life), but the numbers were out of order and kept moving from one house to another. 

We eventually went to a house that had numbers 23, 45 and 71 on it.  I knocked and a red haired woman I didn't know answered. I thought I had got the wrong house but she said she was the 'pre Pat' and that it was the right house. 

I suddenly noticed it had been raining and I was soaked. I had an overwhelming sense of exhaustion and relief come over me and wanted to cry. It was a feeling of having been lost and then realising you're home. 

I walked in to find that 'pre Pat' had indeed changed into someone I knew. My family were there along with an old lady I didn't recognise, but somehow knew I was very special to her and that she had been waiting for me a long time. 

I ran and gave her a huge hug, apologising for getting her wet. She touched my wet hair and said she didn't care because she would always love me exactly as I am no matter what. 

I can't explain how it made me feel....like I could finally stop struggling and fighting and just relax, be myself and be looked after and loved. It was as though I was a child again  I felt so happy I didn't really want to wake up!! ;-)

PS a private message to someone....just noticed this morning how many freckles are on my shoulders!

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